Mental Health and Infertility: Therapy, Conditions, Tips
As a therapist, I work in the mental health field every day. Something that I have noticed is a more significant focus and a more positive outlook on services and resources available today. But when my wife and I were going through our infertility, it was never suggested that we get counseling, therapy, or focus on those outcomes that are bound to creep up.
So, let’s talk about why it’s extremely important to go to therapy, what can occur (from a mental health perspective) during the infertility journey, and ways to combat them.
We as humans need and thrive off of help from others, and when we are struggling and in pain, the support is what gets us through. It is NEVER a sign of weakness but that we naturally can't do it all on our own and by ourselves.
So, what is therapy all about?
It is an objective person in your corner who is trained and licensed to help and guide you through pain, suffering, good times, and bad times. It is someone who can give you TLC and care in a way that is not biased, or someone who has any stake in your life. There is something called “compassion fatigue,” which is someone’s bandwidth to be able to handle being there for someone else. Our spouses and ourselves are not perfect and have a limit to how much we can listen and help with a positive and caring outlook and attitude. Sometimes we need someone else… Thas where therapists can come in and take over.
When someone’s mental health breaks down, it can impact their overall health, relationships with others, and themselves, causing someone to lack the ability to function in their daily lives to live their true life.
Some of the biggest issues that can occur would be anxiety and depression that can be powerfully impacted by the trauma of going through the struggles of infertility and IVF treatment. It takes a true warrior, and powerful individual and/or couple to get through it in one piece, and without help. But, as we say so often for raising children, it takes a village, and that is just as true for infertility.
{Disclaimer: If you or your loved one needs mental health services for mental health issues, never hesitate to reach out. You are not trained to, so get professional help when needed. This is no in place of any therapy but information to think about and discuss further}
Anxiety/Stress:
When it comes to anxiety and stress connected to infertility, the source is the unknowns, uncertainty, and what-ifs that plague our minds and hearts. When I think of anxiety and try to paint the picture for my clients, it’s like a Boa Constrictor tightening as you fight and overthink the struggle.
Sometimes, all you need is the right tricks, tools, and tips.
As humans, our brains are wired to survive. Anxiety and stress are your body telling you that something is wrong, and we need to be prepared. The more our body feels that way, the more our brain rewires to create that highway of feelings and thoughts.
When a couple is going through infertility, the worry about their future and hopes of a family can be taken away and torn from their dreams. The stress of being on a tight schedule and the pressure of performing in the bedroom to time it all perfectly is exceptionally stress-inducing. Putting all your hopes and wishes into the hands of pills, shots, and procedures to get more control over your life is scary and worrisome. So if you are going through stress and anxiety, that is ok, it is normal and part of the life of going through this struggle and painful situation.
When our minds are so focused on the future, we lose sight of the now. We need to focus on what we do have control over and what we can change and impact. Otherwise, we will be consumed by worry, fear, and grief.
Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.
Charles Spurgeon
Depression:
One of the biggest and most important things to remember is that emotions and feelings are healthy. The key is a balanced and healthy range and expression. TOO MUCH of any feeling is unhealthy and not helpful for our daily life and functioning. So, when it comes to sadness, that is a healthy and needed emotion to process the life that happens to us. Depression is when you are trapped in a hole so deep, you don’t know how to get out, WITHOUT HELP.
When it comes to losing functioning due to our emotions and mental health, we need to ask for help. We can’t and shouldn’t try to fight it alone.
Infertility and IVF treatment takes a toll on our heart and soul. It can cause it to feel despair and anguish we have never imagined. Seeing others happy lives with experiencing having a family, thinking you will never be able to have that, that unforgettable and wonderful experience can be crushing.
“When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.”
Elizabeth Gilbert
Burnout:
As mentioned previously about “compassion fatigue”, the ability to handle and be there 100% for others, can be draining. Some of us are better than others, and we all have a limit and bandwidth to our abilities. This can also go for how much pain we can push through and our abilities to be positive, hopeful, and filled with optimism. That’s okay, like I said, we all have a limit, and we need to learn and understand that we don’t have to BE ON all of the time. Being ON constantly, can leave us feeling frustrated, tired, and suffering. We should be able to feel without shame, judgment, and beating ourselves up.
PTSD:
I remember sitting in the doctor’s office at the fertility clinic, we went to ask all our questions about infertility and what to expect next. There was this very vivid and surreal moment for me when I looked over at my wife and thought, “She is going to have to go through so much for this, is this worth the pain?”.
Of course, looking back and seeing the success of our story, it was, BUT I will never be able to understand the quite suffering my wife had to go through. Whether it was the early morning appointments, being poked and prodded by the doctors/nurses, or by me with all the shots she had to take every night for months before the pregnancy, and months into.
I can say with a full heart, that any couple that goes through IVF is a true warrior.
Trauma is something we hold onto; it is something that leaves scars that no one else can see but is deep within your heart. Trauma doesn’t have to be going through a war, abuse, or big event. It can be any life-altering event that impacts you and harms you in any way.
For people who aren’t as lucky as my wife and I, going through egg retrieval after egg retrieval, rounds of treatment, and implantation. Failure after failure and not seeing any hope for the future you had anticipated for you and your spouse. THAT IS TRAUMATIC for both partners. For the one going through it and the other one watching and witnessing the suffering. Never downplay or lessen the impact it can have on you as an individual or as a couple.
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
Laurel Hamilton
Eli Weinstein a Licensed Clinical Social Work Therapist (LCSW) based in New York and Nevada. Eli has worked in multiple settings including a psychiatric hospital and outpatient clinic, and currently works in private practice. Eli believes that a modern and approachable outlook on mental health is the pathway to self-awareness and inner peace for many who are struggling in both big and small ways in their everyday life.
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.
