Making Decisions: When Is Enough, Enough?
How do you know when it’s time to stop trying? What if that next time was our chance? Did you give up too soon? Did you not try hard enough? What could you have done with all that money? Was it worth the gamble? Was it worth the risk? Are these thoughts the reason you didn’t get pregnant because everyone keeps telling you that, “everything happens for a reason.” Is this the reason? Or is the reason that you just didn’t want it badly enough? Did you give up too soon? Were you too stressed out? You know all those people telling to just “relax” may have been onto something. But I wasn’t stressed out before I started trying. Is the stress from the years of trying or was it the unexplained miscarriage and a diagnosis of unexplained infertility? Maybe you couldn’t relax because of all the shots and blood tests. Are you responding well? What does responding “well” even mean? Trust that everything happens for a reason. What. In. The. World. does that actually mean?
The bigger questions to follow all those other questions is, when is enough, well, enough? When are you done trying? When can I say I did everything possible, and a baby was just not in my story? Was it after the miscarriage? Was it the three failed IUI’s? Was it the $30k and a failed IVF cycle? When can I shut the door to this Hell and begin to heal? Because there is damn sure no healing happening when you’re in the middle of the biggest storm you will ever face. Am I ready to say that we are done trying? Am I ready to give up hope on a baby that is half me and half him?
For over three years I have asked myself again and again, “what if this next time is it?” How do you know? Then I see another pregnancy announcement or newborn picture and my heart breaks, again, and the tears follow. Is that my “sign” that I’m not done? What is a sign anyway? How do you know if that thing that happened was your sign to stop or wait was it the sign to keep going? Who the hell really knows? If you know then I need to meet you and ask you what my sign is. Do I keep trying or close the book on the worst story ever written? How will I know? What “sign” am I looking for? Was it that butterfly that just flew by? No? Wait, was it the baby shaped cloud I saw? No?
Ask the doctor because he’s the doctor and he’’ll know what you should do. Except he doesn’t know because it will either work or it won’t. But it should work because there is literally no medical reason as to why you don’t have a baby. But here you are, with no baby. So again, I ask, how do you decide to keep going or that you did everything you could? Because did we? We could have done another IUI we could save another $30k and do just “one more” IVF cycle. But wait, do we keep renting our house because we might, just might, get “lucky” and have more kids and then we would need that bigger house. Or should we get the smaller one because what are the chances this next time will work? Wait, hold on, I was supposed to stay positive because positive thoughts and only thinking positive will get me a baby (at least that’s what I have been told).
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.
